A CATalogue of CAT'S FAVOURITES
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IF CATS WROTE HAIKU You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will sure show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, elevator butt. The rule for today Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. In deep sleep hear sound cat vomit hairball somewhere will find in morning. Grace personified. I leap into the window. I meant to do that. Blur of motion, then -- silence, me, a paper bag. What is so funny? The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds -- Your foot just squashed one. You're always typing. Well, let's see you ignore me sitting on your hands. My small cardboard box. You cannot see me if I can just hide my head. Terrible battle. I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a 'term paper'? Kitty likes plastic Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitoes Fear vacuum cleaner. I want to be close to you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh my! Big One has been trapped by newspaper! Cat to the rescue! Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams My claws are not that sharp. Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much!" The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt? - (author unknown) EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... *************** MY FAVOURITE SIGN "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either." *************** "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --- Albert Schweitzer "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --- Anonymous "There are many intelligent species in the universe. All of them are owned by cats." --- Anonymous |
A NOTABLE QUOTE 'Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.' - Samuel Langhorne Clemens (Mark Twain) *************** CAT The black cat yawns, Opens her jaws, Stretches her legs And shows her claws. Then she gets up, And stands on four, Long, stiff legs And yawns some more. She shows her sharp teeth, She stretches her lip, Her slice of a tongue Turns up at the tip. Lifting herself On her delicate toes, She arches her back As high as it goes. by: Mary Britton Miller, (1883 - 1975) an author of children's poems *************** SAM THE SKULL Ah'm a cat Ah'm a cat Ah'm a Glasgow cat An ma name is Sam the Skull Ah've goat claws in ma paws Like a crocodiles jaws An a heid like a farmer's bull Ah'm no the kinda cat That sat on the mat Or the kind yae gie a hug NAW! Ah'm the kinda cat That strangles the rats An even the occasional dug! ["Wee Glesga Songs"] *************** MY BEST JOKE A cat responded to an ad in the newspaper for work with the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police). "Well," said the officer of personnel, "you must realize that in the RCMP we have extremely strict conditions which every recruit must meet. First, you must be able to type 60 words per minute." The cat hopped up to a typewriter and scored 80 words per minute. Next," the officer said, "you must pass a very difficult test of endurance, including an obstacle course." The cat completed the obstacle course in record time, performing great leaps which would be the envy of any "super hero". "Finally," the RCMP officer declared, "you must be bilingual since Canada has two official languages." The cat looked up at him with a grin and said, "Arrf." *************** BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN Rugs & Chairs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season. Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that humans' lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish'N Glop on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go well with black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties", be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stocking to use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as "hampering". Play: Play is important. Get enough sleep during the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse on the bed between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. NOTE: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. (Author unknown) *************** FOG The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbour and city on silent haunches and then moves on. - Carl Sandburg |