JOKES

(a few of my favourites)

---

"Funereal Disease"

I heard this at the neighbourhood Mall on August 15, 1999:

Three (3) buddies died in a car crash, they went to heaven to an orientation.

They were all asked the following question:
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[I'll never know why these jokes always involve three persons! -----]

"Windows 98 - Nawthern Virgin "

LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time, eh?

PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.

ENTER: Nawtherner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the fishin trip when yore wife asks.

MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

BACKSPACE, eh? Thet's the back fifty whur the outhouse is.

TAB: Whut we pay the barkeep.

SHIFT: Them whut werks in the mines talk aboot them alot.

SPELLCHECKER: 70 reezins why I shudda invested in a gude dickshunairy, not to menshun a thesoras. OK, I won't.

Monday, August 16, 1999 04:32 PM

"A Bronze Statue"

This joke comes from an English-speaking resident of the grand city of Montréal, the second largest city in Canada.
_______________

A man finds an old bronze statue of a rat in an antique store.

The shopkeeper says: "It's $10 for the statue, but $100 for the story that goes with it."

The man skips the story, hands over $10, and starts to walk home with the statue under his arm.

On the way, hundreds of rats start to follow along behind him.

The man runs to the nearest bridge and throws the statue in the water. To his amazement all the rats follow the statue and leap off the bridge to their deaths.

When the man returns to the store the owner says: "You've come back for the story of the statue."

The man says: "No, I was wondering if you might have a bronze statue of a Separatist."

My wife Pat returned today from a Symposium on Systematics at the University of Glasgow. She says that it is a proud treasure among cities, quite unlike the sooty Victorian one we visited 25 years ago in 1974.

Among the gifts I received was a specially aged Single Highland Rare-Malt bottle of Glenmorangie Scotch from Tain. Its respectable age reminded me of this joke.

Cheers, Doug ;~} Aug. 28, 1999 10:00 PM "Eat your Hearts Out!"
***************

Jock found a bottle of 18-year-old Glenmorangie washed up on shore of Loch Ness. When he opened it, out popped a slightly inebriated Genie who threatened to do him in with his heavy Claymore.

"But aren't you supposed to grant me three wishes?" inquired Jock.

The Genie's arm hesitated unsteadily in mid swing, as he reconsidered. "Aye, awright, wha'sh your first [hic] wish?" says the Genie.

Jock, being a true Highlander, says: "I want to be rich ... no strings attached, ye ken."

"Done," says the Genie, "Ye have more money than Bill Gates. Wha'sh your second wish?"

Jock ponders and ponders. The Genie becomes more and more impatient, but passes the time by draining his former prison of its last few drops. Suddenly, Jock appears inspired and he replies: "I'd like a bottle of that 18-year-old Glenmorangie which never runs dry."

Next thing he knows, the Jock has a full bottle of Glenmorangie rare single-malt Scotch in his hand. He drains it completely and it magically fills up again.

"That's a true miracle!" says Jock dreamily.

"Wha'sh your third wish?" says the Genie.

"Well" says Jock, sipping on the Glenmorangie, "I'd love another one of these!"

---

I was looking at CAT's worst nightmare on her main WebPage, and recalled this cute "parrot joke".
_______________

A woman was passing a pet store and noticed a colourful parrot in the window. All at once she was struck with the idea that such a bird would make an ideal pet for her family, so she entered the store and asked the owner if he would show her some parrots.

The owner says, "Sorry, lady, but I only have one parrot left, and he's in the window over there."

"Then I really must buy it. That bird will make a beautiful pet for my family!"

"I know that the customer is always right, ma'm," replied the storekeeper, "but there is a catch - it came from a brothel."

The woman decided to risk it and bought the parrot anyway. When she got home the parrot said, "New house, new madame."

The woman didn't think that was too bad and called her daughters to see the new pet. "New house, new madame, new girls," the parrot said.

The woman was relieved to see the parrot was well behaved. When her husband got home she showed him the parrot too.

It said, "New house, new madame, new girls... Oh, hi, Jock!"
_______________

Cheers, Doug ;~} Sept. 1, 1999 1:00 PM

---

Browser is too slow.
My server has solution:
Blame other fellow!
-------------------------
Cable companies ...
Proxies oversubscribed!
Falsely advertized!
-------------------------
Technocrats ponder ...
Complex system does not work?
Simpler one was best!
-------------------------
Caffeine overdose.
Technological coma?
Praise entrepreneurs.
-------------------------
For every option ~
An equal and opposite
Malfunction, my friend.
-------------------------
Memories persist.
Take two aspirins at once.
More problems follow!
-------------------------
Click on EDIT: UNDO.
System programmed to ignore
Your emergencies.
-------------------------
Cyberland applauds.
You understand your 'puter?
Likely obsolete!
-------------------------

Doug Ross, Sept. 27, 1999 8:30 PM

Y2K is nothing compared with CAT. I rediscovered some of her rules during this past week as in-laws visited and as our children stayed overnight. CAT asserted her rules .....

1. Sleep 18 hours per day (or pretend to) no matter what's going on.

2. Spend 1 hour at sunrise racing around the house, scratching under unopened doors and making all of the noises in my repertoire.

3. Jump at bedroom doors if occupants continue to feign deafness after 5:30 AM.

4. Hiss for at least 1 hour at any "strangers" who enter the territory of this "house cat". [Their rank must be "omega" in this feline pride.]

5. Never pause to figure out how these animals can remove their outer skins and hang them up.

6. Always look as though I am trying to discover new ways to use the Christmas tissue wrappings (other than as a hiding place for sneak attacks, provisions for a paper shredding activity or material for making a nest).

7. Be helpful when presents are being wrapped. Sit on lids before they are placed on the boxes. Place both paws upon bows being tied and upon cellophane tape being used to secure the wrapping paper.

8. Whenever any lower-ranked animal vacates a chair, occupy it and act as though I have been asleep for hours.

9. At bedtime, alpha animals might have the authority to turf me from their nest, but I must show these interlopers that my nesting priviledges include every remaining square centimetre of space in this abode.

10. Empty laps are an invitation for me to jump up and demand a grooming session. [Reserve self-grooming for those occasions when I am ignoring the fact that I am being scolded.]

11. If it snows, stand at the door making meowing noises which sound like "OUT!". [It is convenient to forget that I am not allowed outside until the snow is over 30 centimetres deep.]

12. When no-one is looking, remove tags from presents under the tree.

13. If time permits, rearrange ornaments on the Christmas tree to my liking.

14. Make at least one attempt to serve as a centre-piece during Christmas dinner.